Beginnings and endings

Lyn has returned to public school. Honestly she just really needed a babysitter. She was able to enter as a junior though so skipping a public school grade gives homeschooling some credit. She is just more of a passive learner. She enjoys the classroom. I hated it..... She is not me though. We shall see how it all goes. The freedom of homeschooling has taught her some harsh lessons that will stay with her her whole life. She has a car. She has to pay car insurance. She has a job. She has to now balance work with her job so she can pay for public school. Homeschooling is so much cheaper.

Etta ' s new borrowed seat

A friend from church offered to let Etta try 5 his seat.  It is actually perfect. It keeps her hips aligned. She fits in it perfectly. It is more than a bouncy seat doesn't affect posture like a bimbo and isn't a crotch danger like and exersaucer.  She played well in it and I believe her Special Instructor with Early Intervention will be pleased with it. I am happy to have a tool to help her.

Mother and Daughter

 

 

I so desperately want to have a connection with my eldest daughter. I have tried letting her make her own choices. I have tried being strict with her. Definitely not as strict as some parents are with their children though. It seems like nothing I do matters. I wanted to give Lyn a childhood and young adulthood that I wished I had. She doesn't want it. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. She wanted to move out and lie with older friends who were bad influences and I had to put my foot down. She has two jobs and a car. She was all ready to graduate in a few months and move on to college or the military. Well, now she needs a babysitter. I shall enroll her into public school and tough for her if she falls prey to the bad influences there. I tried to be a present parent and one that allowed freedom. Now, I shall be for her what I guess what she needs not what I think she needs. I will let her be like every other teenager not like my unique eldest daughter. I am letting go. Maybe she will emotionally come back to me. Maybe our relationship will be surface deep and simple. Maybe we will connect again when she is older or maybe never. Maybe the connection was only in my head. No matter what she is mine and I am hers. Time will go on.....

 

 

 

 

Artwork courtesy claudiatremblay

Herbal fire starters

 

Today was a very stressful day. I needed to reconnect. We had some kindling, tender, and firewood handy. The weather had cooled down and I had some dried herbs that I wanted to burn. I separated them out and tied them up with fast starting pine straw. They all burned lovely. I had white sage, rosemary, lavender, juniper, cedar, and a little wormwood to burn in my cauldron. The heat and the light brought some closure to my day.

The number 1

 

So, even when you are given worksheets to complete with 2 year olds who should really never see one this is what you end up with. I try and turn the activity into as much of a hands on activity as I can. Before we glued pieces of paper onto the one we handled blocks and fit them within the lines of the one. We also swooshed down the inside of the one with our fingers. We certainty didn't read it or try to memorize its shape.  I may not personally agree with all of the teaching principles of the school I work for but I am finding a happy middle. I can't make everyone happy including myself......

Merry Full Moon

I went outside to view the moon with the little kids.  It was cold and clear and beautiful.  No better way to enjoy the first full moon of the year. We listened to Laurie Berkner 's song Moon Moon Moon too. It is so perfect to sing with little ones. Not meant to be a semi-annual song but it works great to express how I feel that the moon looks over my little ones.

My Ma

My Mother's Mother was called Ma. We pronounced it Maw. We are in the deep south. I called my paternal grandmother the same. When we needed to distinguish between the two we used their last names added onto Ma. We live in the last house my maternal grandparents lived in. I was never close to Ma. I honestly think I am a bit like her or so my mother says. She was stubborn and liked to be in charge. Eliot was the youngest of her great grandchildren that she saw. I remember placing Eliot as an infant in her frail arms as I supported her at least one time as she was in the final stage of her passing. I wanted to see a connection between her and my daughter. I didn't see it. My memory of my grandmother is not very positive. Because my mother would probably not want me to go into detail here I won't. (Even at 40 I am a bit scared of my Mama :)  .) I respect my mother's wishes as best I can to not include her publicly here.

But I was told recently by way of my mother's sister that Ma used to talk about me all the time like she was proud of the fact that I went to college and was taking care of my kids. I was floored. Ma never said a very kind word let alone proud full word to me. I actually feel a lot of bitterness when I think of her. I wanted a sweet huggable grandmother and I didn't have one. My mother is an awesome Granny to my children and I am jealous. One day I hope to be a pretty cool grandmother myself. I am having a hard time accepting that my Ma cared. It is a strange feeling especially since she is gone.

Supernatural by Eliot

Eliot's drawing of the show Supernatural.  If you can't tell those are fallen angels at the very top. She did draw Dean with his necklace. Man, he should have never thrown it away....

Etta

Waiting to head to the library.  Somebody put me in my seat :)

Watching the Wiggles / Genetic testing results

 

Our Tiny Baby does seem to like the Wiggles. Old school stuff though mind you...

 

I got the results of her genetic testing back today. Of all the things they tested her for she came back negative for anything. We are really thankful but now we still don't have any answers. I don't believe she had any trauma at birth that may have led to he challenges. Our next step is neurological testing. And since they will probably want to put her to sleep for an MRI I am not OK with that at her size. She just broke 16 pounds. No amount of anesthesia is going into my baby unless she absolutely needs it. I was OK with the blood draw for the genetic testing but not that. If she were in pain or having seizures that were causing pain or damage I would re-think it but not now. I just wish she would make a little bit more progress with her motor skills. She is sitting more but she still isn't catching herself when she falls. She isn't rolling from her back to her stomach. She is making some more sounds though. And she is one joyful baby....

My Winter wreath

I had the day off today. After laying in bed being depressed all morning I made myself get up and be a mom. We went and collected some evergreens. I found juniper and cedar with cones. We also found some ivy, holly, and blue spruce. The spruce was a nice find. I think a business planted an old Christmas tree and then the business went under but the tree grew. Not the best New Years day but at least I shared it with some of my kids.