26th Birthday Lyn!

 Lyn and I aren't talking face to face right now. It is very complicated. It is deep rooted in the past. I want desperately to change what is. For now all I can do is celebrate what is great about my oldest daughter. She is a strong brave woman. She makes decisions everyday I can only imagine. She is mothering 3 little humans. I am so proud of her. No matter what my life may bring me in the time I have left I am so proud to be her mother. 

Two years....

 Two years and a lifetime of challenges. I had recovered from my mastectomy. I was about to start chemo. I broke my wrist. Lost all of my hair. I went through 30 rounds of radiation. Had cataract surgery. I was diagnosed with lung cancer and had a lobe of my lung removed. Lots of personal problems. Started a new teaching position. Moved into a townhouse... Wow, so much has happened.

Favorite book?

 Eli asked me a question the other day that was so simple but took me by surprise. He asked me what my favorite book was that my mom read to me growing up. I am guessing that my mom read some but I don't remember it. I told him that I never had her read to me. He hugged me and told me his favorite book that I read to him. I want to be a better mom not just one who works all the time.

Birmingham Museum of Art

 Eliot and her friend wanted to visit the museum. Etta tagged along with me. I didn't think the children's center would be open. I haven't been in here since before COVID. Etta is exploring the big kid section. It is so cool!

Why away so long?

 I haven't been posting for quite a while. So much has happened in the past year. I guess I felt if I put it all out there it would be too real. I guess I could just start wit the most recent challenge. I had my second cataract surgery last week. Chemo wrecked my eyes. I didn't realize cataracts would be a side effect from chemo. I opted for the "magic eyes". I had two different types of lenses put in. I had to go into debt to do so. I am not sure how much life I have in me but at least I can see now. I may need readers but so far I don't have to use glasses daily. The first surgery went OK. But the anesthesia didn't work well for the second one. I could feel the needles in my eye. It felt like they were in my brain. I had more swelling but all is healing well. My brain is still trying to interpret the different signals Each eye is seeing the world differently. It is like hearing things in stereo. Both speakers work together to put the music, melody, and words together. I am doing that with my eyes now. It will probably take a full month after surgery to integrate it all. 

Happy Birthday Jaynie!

 Nine years ago I got a call from my eldest daughter who spent the night at her grandmother's. She was due to give birth any day and today was the day. She was so brave and strong. Every birth is amazing and a miracle. But seeing my teenager give birth naturally was pure astonishing. Jaynie has been a force guiding her mother. My life no matter what is better for having Jaynie in it. Happy Birthday from Jaynie. 

Happy 25th Birthday Lyn

My oldest daughter is 25 today. She has accomplished so much in her life. I am so proud of her. She was such a delightful surprise when I was expecting her. She was such a good baby. (You aren't supposed to say that.) She has made me a grandmother and a mother-in-law. I only wish she lived closer. I miss her and the kids desperately. I fear I may never get to know them as they age. Lyn, you are my heart.

Happy 16th Birthday Eliot!

A year apart...

I just had surgery for lung cancer 8 days ago. They had to remove my entire upper right lobe. This picture was taken exactly a year ago. About 6 weeks after my mastectomy. I was standing outside at the gas pump. Today I am in bed. Last year was probably the worst year of my left. The pain I am in is so bad. The worst of my situation is that I am having difficulty breathing. I was a few weeks before starting chemo in the first picture. I lost my hair, I had to work a lot to keep bills paid, my hormone treatments have been horrible. They caused me to gain close to 40 pounds by now. Let's not forget my broken wrist which cost me tons of overtime. My heart was broken by my situation. I wasn't spending enough time with my kids. I wasn't able to attend any of the he seasonal events for this time of year. I have been in limbo. I feel I am hanging off a cliff by two fingernails. I feel my mortality. I want to have conversations with each of my children every day. This morning after a very bad night I felt a kiss on my cheek and someone saying "good morning Mama". I couldn't open my eyes. One child acknowledged me. I am so grateful to be qualified for FMLA at my job. I feel like I am making a difference there. Now I can't even do that. Yes, it is a pity party. But I feel I deserve a small one. When will all this cancer, pain, and disappointment be behind me? Ever? Never? My lung cancer wasn't due to smoking or anything environmental. It just was. It wasn't even metastasized breast cancer. It was a separate diagnosis. I want a life back. I want to be able to play my bills. I am the main breadwinner of my family. I was unable to give the kids book fair money this week. One teenager needed gas for work. I had only $5 as I was going to surgery. Another is turning 16 and planning her own 16th themed birthday party. She never had one before. She knows her oldest sister had a few. She missed out. I never knew she noticed. If I made a list to do before my time is up it would never get done. I need a separate list of needs and wants of my children. Strength, health, money, and time keep me from completing those needs and wants. If curses were true I would believe myself cursed. I may not be able to attend any seasonal things this year either. I am not really sure what my kids understand. I need to start blogging again. I want to share so much more.

Etta earning her chore tokens.,.

Etta has a list of chores each week. She did so well this past week she earned a small doll she adores. This week she has added to her list some reading. I know reading shouldn't be a chore but a parent has to do what one has to do....

Who knows what next week will bring. 

Happy Late Birthday to My Sweet Evan!

On July 7th Evan turned 17 years old. I can hardly believe that. He is working hard. He is a young adult. He has come so far and has far to go yet. He is going to voice lessons, learning the piano more, and working on learning to play the guitar. I love you Evan. Sorry I didn't post on your actual birthday.