Happy 16th Birthday Eliot!

A year apart...

I just had surgery for lung cancer 8 days ago. They had to remove my entire upper right lobe. This picture was taken exactly a year ago. About 6 weeks after my mastectomy. I was standing outside at the gas pump. Today I am in bed. Last year was probably the worst year of my left. The pain I am in is so bad. The worst of my situation is that I am having difficulty breathing. I was a few weeks before starting chemo in the first picture. I lost my hair, I had to work a lot to keep bills paid, my hormone treatments have been horrible. They caused me to gain close to 40 pounds by now. Let's not forget my broken wrist which cost me tons of overtime. My heart was broken by my situation. I wasn't spending enough time with my kids. I wasn't able to attend any of the he seasonal events for this time of year. I have been in limbo. I feel I am hanging off a cliff by two fingernails. I feel my mortality. I want to have conversations with each of my children every day. This morning after a very bad night I felt a kiss on my cheek and someone saying "good morning Mama". I couldn't open my eyes. One child acknowledged me. I am so grateful to be qualified for FMLA at my job. I feel like I am making a difference there. Now I can't even do that. Yes, it is a pity party. But I feel I deserve a small one. When will all this cancer, pain, and disappointment be behind me? Ever? Never? My lung cancer wasn't due to smoking or anything environmental. It just was. It wasn't even metastasized breast cancer. It was a separate diagnosis. I want a life back. I want to be able to play my bills. I am the main breadwinner of my family. I was unable to give the kids book fair money this week. One teenager needed gas for work. I had only $5 as I was going to surgery. Another is turning 16 and planning her own 16th themed birthday party. She never had one before. She knows her oldest sister had a few. She missed out. I never knew she noticed. If I made a list to do before my time is up it would never get done. I need a separate list of needs and wants of my children. Strength, health, money, and time keep me from completing those needs and wants. If curses were true I would believe myself cursed. I may not be able to attend any seasonal things this year either. I am not really sure what my kids understand. I need to start blogging again. I want to share so much more.