Egg of Creation

Having my kids around me has really helped my spirit. I asked Elaina to pick me out an egg for me to just hold and meditate on. She picked out a lavender colored one. As soon as I held it I felt better. The coolness of it in hand and it's firmness helped with my pain. I rolled it around my tortured joints for a lot of relief. I cupped it and words formed in mind.

                              Egg of Creation

                             

I hold in my hand a symbol of life.

As a girl, as a womyn, as a mother, as a wife, I have held you in my body and in my heart.

You are my beginning, his beginning, their beginning, her beginning.

You hold all the knowledge of the universe within 

In my pre-beginning and my end I was an egg within my grandmother and my granddaughters were within me.

I will go on I was am and will be a force for creation.

                            Susan Campbell

My babies..

 Being so sick and in pain I haven't been able to be a full time mom since surgery. Having the 4 littles actually in my arms is such an oxytocin rush . 

One breasted wonder!!!

 

Purposeless Pain?

 Are we really supposed to have that? 

Pain with a purpose...

 That is what I remember childbirth being like. Pain with a purpose... It took a few natural births to get it down. With great joy and a lot of pain quickly I caught my last birth.

Now, my next post is about purposeless pain or is it?

“They told you about the contractions but did they tell you about the expansion?

Did they tell you how your body would open to make way for the whole universe to pass through?

Did they tell you how your heart would explode with a love bigger than anything you’ve ever known as you pulled your baby to your chest 

They told you about the ring of fire but did they tell you about the crown of stars? 

Did they mention that there is a moment when your baby enters the world and you leave your body and touch the heavens and become the light of a million galaxies?

Did they tell you how the pain of stretching to receive your child would be more exquisite than any sensation you’ve felt? 

They told you you would scream but did they tell you about how you would roar? 

Did they tell you about the power that would rise up from your belly as you called your baby forth with your mighty voice? 

Did they tell you how you would embody the wild woman within you and breathe fire with your song? 

They told you you would bleed but did they tell you how that sacred blood wouldn’t scare you? 

How you would feel grateful for that magical liquid of life as it trickled down your leg? 

How you would honor its flow and how it would help you heal a lifetime of hating your body’s bleeding cycles? 

They told you these stories and taught you to fear birth, to fear your power, to fear yourself. 

But you’re stronger and wiser than that mama. 

You know that birth is your divine dance, your soul’s song, your moment with God, and you walk fearlessly into her open arms.”

~ Catie Atkinson 

https://m.facebook.com/spiritysol/

@spiritysoul on Instagram 

Art: Medha Srivastava, “Motherlove”

https://www.facebook.com/medhasrivastavaa/

NOTE: Not all pregnancies and births are the same. Some are fraught with complications and heartache. Our hearts go out to these with compassion, support, and much love. 

#SacredSistersFullMoonCircle #Spirituality.  #WomensWisdom #WomensEmpowerment #RedTent #SacredFeminine #Goddess #GoddessCircle #WheeloftheYear #Mythology #Magick #FolkTradition #GivingBirth #Birth #Childbirth #SeasonoftheMother #GodtheMother

First post op visit turned wrong...

 So, how does one's first post operation doctor's appointment go wrong? Well, you have a fever, are in excruciating pain so much it rivels natural child birth. Then you end up in the ER and after tons of blood work and other tests you find out you have Covid. Yep, I have been on bed rest at home for over a week and I feel nally get Covid now. After working Home Health at the he beginning of the pandemic and being a teacher I never got it. My best guess is that I got it at the hospital or the kids brought it home from school. Ugh.... 

They had to check my surgical site for infection so I got to see my lack of a breast. My surgeon actually did a decent job. I am small breasted so opted to go flat, no reconstruction. I don't really think I will be that unbalanced. 

So, not so bad after the pain got under control. I was actually able to sleep once we got home. 

Supermoon

 It was the last large full moon of the year. Elaina had a tea party outside and I had a nice simple ritual just to celebrate life. 

First Day of School

 And I missed it.....

Eliot 9th grade

Ben 7th

Elaina 5th

Etta 3rd

Eli kindergarten

Only 5 kids out of 10 still in school. And my baby is in kindergarten!!!

Mastectomy

On Monday, today is Thursday, I had my right breast cut off. My surgeon was experienced and skilled other than that the hospital was horrible. There was a blanket shortage, I wasn't fed, and apparently pain meds after a major surgery is a myth for TV. I was sent home with nothing. No one wanted to get a wheelchair so I am at walked the 3 floors down to my ride. My nurse, not transportation, was going to walk with me. She found two wheelchairs just sitting in a room. I would have preferred to walk out of principle. I just want these drains out so I can go back to work. I can't afford to miss so much work. I thought one reason I couldn't work was because pain meds would keep me not alert. Well, pain and discomfort are keeping me plenty alert. Not like I can sleep. I should be working. These restrictions are keeping me for getting my kids from school. Ridiculous. Now, they say I could have waited. I had plans. I missed out on my kids and my new relationship goals and work for pain? Seriously?

Visit to the Cahaba River Park

With 5 children in tow and my beloved I visited the river. The rain and my fatigue threatened to keep us from going but we made it. Evan had a headache but he pushed through also. I had good talks with each child there on their level. I missed the ones that weren't there but I cherish them all. I am very nervous and scared. I couldn't be doing this without George, my mom, and my kids. George has basically put his life on hold to care for me and the kids. Today I got to forget for a while what my future holds as I watched him teach the kids to skip rocks, watch the girls bury Ben as a zombie, and Evan try to get Eli to stick his hand good naturedly into a "snake hole". And of course Elaina found at least 4 frogs or toads.

Love doesn't know DNA

 That is the on the keychain the little kids gave George for Father's Day. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from stress and squeezing 75 hours of work with 19 hour back to back shifts most days this past week. I crashed for a nap. Eli crawled in to give me a hug and fell asleep. When I woke up I had a nice surprise. George had snuck into n on the other side. I am loved...

A stop to see my local adult kids...

 It was totally not planned but I dropped by my adult children's home yesterday. Evan and Eliot weren't with me but the 4 youngest kids were. Connor couldn't believe how big Ben was. He thought he was Evan at first. Eli got to see dom of Dan's chickens. Some animal got into their coop so only 2 are left. They got to see his garden too. He Dan is so great with them. He has a lot of patience. Elaina got a big bear hug from Annika. It was surreal seeing Dan and Eli together talking. My 26 year old and my 5 year old. My oldest and my youngest, my only two kids to share a birthday month. Connor and Dan are working on getting their driver's licence. Connor will probably be first. Dan I am sure is capable but I believe Connor is more motivated. George went with me. He actually wore a shirt I gave him. I got it in Guatemala in 1990 when I was an exchange student. It is a man's shirt and faded but I wore it out in my black phase in high school. He hung back but he did get a wave from Annika. 

Something interesting, George's middle name is Daniel. He went by Danny till he left for college. Dan was called Danny till he felt he was too old for that and prefers Dan now. It is a little weird knowing whenever I slip and say Danny when talking about Dan that George can be reminded of his childhood.

Connor took me by surprise a little when he asked to come visit when I am recovering. I would be delighted for any of them to come. 

My second daughter

 I love her. We definitely see the world differently. I saw her briefly yesterday. She allowed me to hug her. And she hugged me back. We don't talk about the world or the past or the future like we did when she was 10. I don't take her to multiple appointments and care for seizure filled nights. She is an adult. Either that is all her own business or she struggles on her own or her physical struggles have stopped. I had to let go asking but not caring. She asked that I respect her wishes to not post pictures of her on my blog. That will be hard as I am so proud of the young person she has become. Her path is her own. I worry about her but that is a parent's job. They can't help it. George got to see if not talk to my adult children and she at least waved to him. She knows who he is to me. Maybe she can see who he can be to her one day, a friend that probably understands her better than I do because he met her as an adult. My heart melted to see Elaina run to her sister for a bear hug. And she got one.... 

Surround yourself with positive things and people

I am not taking any credit for this. It came straight from the page Sacred Dreams on Facebook. I did write some comment of my own when I shared it. I had an unusual text sent to me that I have saved for harassment purposes. I didn't know the number but thought it was a new co-worker or something trying to contact me. It ended up being someone who does not know me at all accusing me of horrible things. (It could be someone who thinks they know me and is two-faced.) One of which lying about my situation. Who lies  about horrible things happening to them? I guess people do to get attention but that isn't my style. Yes, everyone likes attention. I prefer positive attention from loved ones and friends. This individual obviously enjoys being hurtful and angry to others. And in the middle, using Christianity as their reason to call me a liar. Hmmmmm.....

Another horrible thing to "yell" at anyone even within  a text is get therapy or you need therapy implying they are so broken by their standards they need professional help. Yet I AM in therapy to address the said DXs that this person says I am lying about. Let's just say, get to know your verbal abuse victims better before you insult them. Your foot will probably go straight into your mouth.

 “The truth is — genuine connection is ease. It is peace. When you find it, you will know. You will feel seen, you will feel like you are being mirrored back to yourself, like you are discovering the shadow of your own heart in another human being.

Slowly, through loving the right people, you will come to realize that the human beings who are meant for you in this world will not exhaust you, or hollow you out, or leave you feeling like you are hard to love. 

Slowly, you will learn how to lay down your arms. How to walk away from those who will only ever love you in halves. Slowly, you will learn that you cannot love someone into loving you, or being ready, if they are not. You cannot love someone into their potential. You cannot close their hands around your heart if they are not willing to hold it themselves.

You have to let them go. 

You have to focus on the people in your life who bring you back home to yourself. You have to focus on standing up for that kind of connection, on honoring that calm, because it exists. It exists.

And I hope you learn to trust that, because when you come across it, when you ultimately experience it, it feels as if you are standing at a door you finally have the keys for. You enter it with ease. There is no fumbling through your jacket pocket trying to find the right way in. 

There is no desperately reaching into your bag trying to uncover the point of access. You are no longer banging your fists against the door, asking to be invited in. 

You walk through. Soundlessly. Softly. Relief washes over you. You take off your shoes. You hang your coat in the closet. You put on a pot of coffee. 

You’re home. 

You’re home.”~

~Bianca Sparacino

Happy 70th Birthday Grandma Kathy....

 Happy Birthday Grandma Kathy... I never got to meet George's mother. She passed away years before we met. Her birthday and Mother's Day are very challenging for him. Anyone that is close to him knows these days can really lay him out. With my upcoming surgery and having to spend a large part of the day today at the hospital doing pre-registration tests today was extra challenging. The kids and I got together last night and went over a birthday celebration for Grandma Kathy. We surprised George and lit a candle that was her favorite color, yellow (that George remembers). I then wrapped an empty box with leftover cloth from our Handfasting. Into this empty box we all poured memories of Kathy that George has shared. We each lit a birthday candle and added it to the chalice. I reminded him every time he teaches the kids something his mother taught him or her words come out of his mouth a part of her will always be here and go on. Everyday he wishes she could have met his new family. Even though they are his step-children he knows his mom would have adored them as her own grandchildren. I had a step grandfather as did my kids (my step dad) that could not have meant more to us if they were blood. I do wish we could have met Grandma Kathy but knowing her son has changed my life.