My Ma

My Mother's Mother was called Ma. We pronounced it Maw. We are in the deep south. I called my paternal grandmother the same. When we needed to distinguish between the two we used their last names added onto Ma. We live in the last house my maternal grandparents lived in. I was never close to Ma. I honestly think I am a bit like her or so my mother says. She was stubborn and liked to be in charge. Eliot was the youngest of her great grandchildren that she saw. I remember placing Eliot as an infant in her frail arms as I supported her at least one time as she was in the final stage of her passing. I wanted to see a connection between her and my daughter. I didn't see it. My memory of my grandmother is not very positive. Because my mother would probably not want me to go into detail here I won't. (Even at 40 I am a bit scared of my Mama :)  .) I respect my mother's wishes as best I can to not include her publicly here.

But I was told recently by way of my mother's sister that Ma used to talk about me all the time like she was proud of the fact that I went to college and was taking care of my kids. I was floored. Ma never said a very kind word let alone proud full word to me. I actually feel a lot of bitterness when I think of her. I wanted a sweet huggable grandmother and I didn't have one. My mother is an awesome Granny to my children and I am jealous. One day I hope to be a pretty cool grandmother myself. I am having a hard time accepting that my Ma cared. It is a strange feeling especially since she is gone.