Happy 25th Birthday Lyn

My oldest daughter is 25 today. She has accomplished so much in her life. I am so proud of her. She was such a delightful surprise when I was expecting her. She was such a good baby. (You aren't supposed to say that.) She has made me a grandmother and a mother-in-law. I only wish she lived closer. I miss her and the kids desperately. I fear I may never get to know them as they age. Lyn, you are my heart.

Happy 16th Birthday Eliot!

A year apart...

I just had surgery for lung cancer 8 days ago. They had to remove my entire upper right lobe. This picture was taken exactly a year ago. About 6 weeks after my mastectomy. I was standing outside at the gas pump. Today I am in bed. Last year was probably the worst year of my left. The pain I am in is so bad. The worst of my situation is that I am having difficulty breathing. I was a few weeks before starting chemo in the first picture. I lost my hair, I had to work a lot to keep bills paid, my hormone treatments have been horrible. They caused me to gain close to 40 pounds by now. Let's not forget my broken wrist which cost me tons of overtime. My heart was broken by my situation. I wasn't spending enough time with my kids. I wasn't able to attend any of the he seasonal events for this time of year. I have been in limbo. I feel I am hanging off a cliff by two fingernails. I feel my mortality. I want to have conversations with each of my children every day. This morning after a very bad night I felt a kiss on my cheek and someone saying "good morning Mama". I couldn't open my eyes. One child acknowledged me. I am so grateful to be qualified for FMLA at my job. I feel like I am making a difference there. Now I can't even do that. Yes, it is a pity party. But I feel I deserve a small one. When will all this cancer, pain, and disappointment be behind me? Ever? Never? My lung cancer wasn't due to smoking or anything environmental. It just was. It wasn't even metastasized breast cancer. It was a separate diagnosis. I want a life back. I want to be able to play my bills. I am the main breadwinner of my family. I was unable to give the kids book fair money this week. One teenager needed gas for work. I had only $5 as I was going to surgery. Another is turning 16 and planning her own 16th themed birthday party. She never had one before. She knows her oldest sister had a few. She missed out. I never knew she noticed. If I made a list to do before my time is up it would never get done. I need a separate list of needs and wants of my children. Strength, health, money, and time keep me from completing those needs and wants. If curses were true I would believe myself cursed. I may not be able to attend any seasonal things this year either. I am not really sure what my kids understand. I need to start blogging again. I want to share so much more.

Etta earning her chore tokens.,.

Etta has a list of chores each week. She did so well this past week she earned a small doll she adores. This week she has added to her list some reading. I know reading shouldn't be a chore but a parent has to do what one has to do....

Who knows what next week will bring. 

Happy Late Birthday to My Sweet Evan!

On July 7th Evan turned 17 years old. I can hardly believe that. He is working hard. He is a young adult. He has come so far and has far to go yet. He is going to voice lessons, learning the piano more, and working on learning to play the guitar. I love you Evan. Sorry I didn't post on your actual birthday.

My days....

I feel I am stuck. Cancer, working overtime even though I love me my job, trying to balance life and work and disease, feeling guilty all the time. I am exhausted. But am I really?

Happy 11th Birthday Elaina!

Happy 11th Birthday Elaina Betke-Blevins ! You were always Little Baby. Now you are headed to middle school. 

Happy 27th Birthday Dan!

Happy 6th Birthday Eli

Hard to believe that my baby is 6 years old....

First chemo session after a break...

Well, here I am again. I have very mixed feelings about this. George is very supportive. So have a few friends that have reached out to me on Facebook. My mom and other family members seem sort of ambivalent. Sort of "whatever". I don't want to put words in their mouths or anything but they just say my decisions are my own. I really want more input from them though. I want their honest opinions even if they disagree with me. Ted asked if I was sure. He was concerned about side effects. It is hard for him to communicate sometimes but he wanted to know why. I told him that I was getting a lot of pressure from all medical professionals to continue if I want certain choices in the future. I can't have lifestyle choices in the future if I don't do treatment. He understands and accepts that. Almost 19 years of knowing each other helps with that acceptance. George and I are working on that. We are wanting it but it isn't reflexive yet. We'll get there. I am getting better at seeing and accepting how others see me. I know I am not understood. I know I make impulsive decisions. I am working on it. I am trying to think things through more. This post is about chemo so I'll try and focus on that decision. I know on the surface I can be seen as selfish and petty. I am prone to see myself as a failure. Even with my achievements of family and children that a lot of people never have I feel alone sometimes. I am loved but can't accept that I am worthy of love. I graduated college and university with several degrees with honors and hold a graduate degree. Yet I feel so stupid and ignorant at times even in my field. Even as my supervisor says she can't live without me I feel worthless. It is irrational. When I talk about it with those that care to listen I guess it all goes back to my youth. Being told I was a mistake. My sister constantly told me I was adopted and never wanted. Grandmothers told me my mother shouldn't have had three children. I was of course the third child. That same sister constantly told me I was fat, ugly, and had stringy nasty hair. I believed her of course. I starved myself between 11th and 12th grade and lost 20 pounds. Everyone said how much better I looked. I had a cute boyfriend who was actually emotionally abusive. He actually was upset that I lost weight. I got away from him. I eventually started dating my soon to be first husband. I will never forget what one of his brothers said to me the first time he met me after we had been married a year or so. That brother had been away on a mission, they were Mormon, when we were married. He said, "I never thought Louis would have married someone so homely looking". Yep, to my face he said that. And people wonder why my self esteem in my 20s was horrible. My confidence rose as I found something I was actually decent at. I was a pretty good mom. Some of my adult kids may argue that fact. That is OK. I was also good at school. I could handle college and university easily. I would love to go back for my PhD one day. I jumped around jobs a good bit but I always put forth 100% at each one whether I was making pizzas or a case manager with Early Intervention at the state level. My biggest challenge now is dealing with the feeling that I am going backwards. Selling my house that I lived in for 13 years last year and now living in a mobile home seems like I have failed. I can't make myself look at the facts that the burden of carrying the bills of my my growing family caught up to me so much that I had to do something. Accepting help was hard. Accepting that no one is expected to support their family after they get diagnosed with cancer, have major surgery, are out of work, go back to work, break their wrist, lose their position temporarily for months till released from light duty is hard. I am angry. It may take me a decade or more to get back to where I was. But does that really matter? I have a roof over my head. I have a good job. I am loved. I have so much more than others have. I am such a pessimistic personality. I used to say all the time at least I am healthy or at least I have my strength. Cancer took my health and breaking my wrist took my physical strength. I guess I can owe my prior health to my vitality during my chemotherapy. My heart has been strong. I haven't had any blood levels be low enough to miss chemotherapy. I haven't been sick. I haven't lost weight. I haven't had any infection. I had a few mouth sores in the beginning like cold sores. I lost most of my hair. It started to grow back but will probably fall out again. No neuropathy in my hands or feet. It is common with Taxol, which is what I am on today and for 5 more weeks. Just to make it through today.... That is my goal...

Why haven't I been posting?

 There are a lot of reasons why I haven't been posting lately. The main reason has bluntly been the ugly word cancer. Breast cancer is no joke. It isn't something to be taken lightly. It isn't something that goes away overnight or in a year. It will affect the rest of my life and every decision I make from here on out. I could not have done any of this without the support of George and my family. I even know my adult children, I don't talk to very often, must be thinking of what in the world is going on?

Last November at work I broke my arm at work. It was so silly really. I was taking the trash out and the can was overloaded and on a very steep hill. I sidestepped but not fast enough. I twisted my ankle and landed hard on my wrist. That caused a radial fracture that ended me up in the emergency room. I was put on worker's comp and light duty. I was in a tight splint and then a cast that I got off in January. I have been in PT for a few weeks now. The soft tissue damage from the immobility is pretty extensive. I can't make a fist yet with my left hand. I am still on light duty and haven't returned to my regular position. No overtime either. That has hurt my income stream. 

Chemotherapy has gone better than I expected side effect wise. I started in October. The steroids made me feel worse than anything and kept me awake a lot.  I did lose almost all of my hair. I had just a little bit of pieces left. My eyebrows are sparse and my eyelashes thinned a bit. Under my arms and "other areas" I lost hair. I didn't lose any on my arms and legs though but it was very thin and blond there anyway. I finally did notice that my facial hair which wasn't a lot but every one knows even women have a little peace fuzz was gone. I assume all of it will grow back. I am actually pretty sure it will. I took three weeks off from chemo. I had a bratty moment and felt my whole life was a bit out of control. I needed to control something. I cancelled chemo and then met with my doctor and basically "fired" him. With no chemo for 3 almost 4 weeks now my hair has started to grow back. Not enough for me to be comfortable not wearing my wig except at home though. It does look brown though not grey like a lot of people. i start back on chemo this week. I have six more rounds left. If I didn't stop i would be done in three weeks. Oh well. I didn't want to do it all in the first place but everything is just pretty scary. I guess if I want to live and want any of my goals I have to do this. I do not look forward to hormone therapy. I know I am 48 but I had no signs of menopause. I am dreading being forced into menopause. The side effects can be pretty painful. I may be lucky with that as I was with chemo. Some women don't have many side effects. It has been almost 6 months now that I have not really had use of two hand at once. I had to recover from surgery and then boom I broke my wrist. This recovery is worse and longer than recovery from loosing a body part. The pain in my hand wakes me up. I am thankful it was not my dominant hand. 

Happy Birthday Ben!

13 years old today!! Ben Betke-Blevins I cannot believe you are in 7th grade and so big. You were my little boy sitting in my lap here at a La Leche League meeting over a decade ago and now you are a teenager!