Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Annika my lost daughter

I have had several conversations with my daughter Annika in the past few months that have distanced us. I have tried to cultivate some type of relationship with her but she is just lost. Her father who wanted his children to not have a mother (so he told me years ago) has won. My eldest sons and my 2nd daughter are lost. I have nightmares all the time about Annika's traumatic birth. That saying that is said "as least you have a healthy baby" does not hold true. First, she is brain damaged and has several diagnoses and second I don't even have a 12 year old daughter anymore. I want to leave Danny, Connor, and Annika's pictures up on my sidebar because they are a part of MY motherhood but they are not mine anymore......

My heart has holes in it that will not be filled.

I have her tree planted in the yard, her weeping willow, that I will treasure but I think I need to take down the rest of the things I have of hers up in the house. I took them down once and then put them back up. I believe it is time once again to take them down. I may give them to my mother or maybe her 16 year old sister. I just can't bear the weight.


  1. I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time with the boys and annika. i know how badly that must hurt you.

  2. My heart hurts reading this. Today I will call my oldest four children and I will dread it all day. I love them with all my heart, but they are no longer mine. Hugs, Mama. I don't know your pain, but I do know how deeply it can cut.