Lost children

I made a very hard decision today. I am going to tell part of the story here. I spent the morning in court finalizing joint custody of Annika with her father. The trauma of dealing with him constantly for visitation and trying to "fix" her after she returned to my house was more traumatic than anyone could imagine. Her father was very abusive to me and on a lot of levels just being within 10 feet of him for drop offs could put me in a negative emotional state for days. And then the cycle begins again. I thought that because Annika was a girl and needed me more than my older sons who have been living with their father for years I could just stomach the anger, disgust, and loathing towards her father. After 9 years of raising her myself and dealing with her diagnoses, unpredictability, and trying to reverse the emotional damage her father inflicts on her at every visitation I broke and gave up. I hate her father. That is a strong statement and my life will be forever changed by letting Annika go. Her life may be better it may be worse but I have to think of the health and safety of my other children and myself. I may be selfish but I cannot sacrifice my emotional well-being to the point that I cannot take care of my other children.

I feel like a woman who has given up a child for adoption. I legally can have visitation with Annika but I do not believe I will take advantage of it unless I know Annika needs me. My mother wants to still see her. If her father allows her she can take my visitation times I don't use but it is stressful on her too. Who knows what the future holds but at this moment Annika is not part of my future or daily life but I will always be there for her and her brothers if they need me.

I let Danny and Connor go years ago on a daily basis. I recently tried really hard to reconnect to them. Danny actually attacked me and the police had to be called during one of his visitations. He has Autism, is 17 years old, and over 6 feet tall. This all happened in front to my other children. I drew a line then. Connor cries and begs never to come to my house. He is a troubled depressed boy who has stated that he wishes he could just disappear. He does not want to be with me and his father is blind to his needs. I have no control....

I cannot sacrifice the 5 children that live with me and my marriage and any future children for the sake of lost children. I have responsibilities and it is a hard day when a mother has to choose between her drowning children......